The "dance" in dependance.

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" Matthew 6:26,27

I will admit it. I am a chronic worrier. 

I hate not knowing what will happen, how God will provide, how a situation will play out, what I should have said or done differently, and on and on and on. Perhaps it's my humanness, perhaps I am worse than others when it comes to this, but there have been days where I have laid awake at night for hours on end, trying to formulate the answer to a complex issue I am facing. And more often than not, this "answer" I come up with (if I manage to come up with one at all), is completely different and resolved in a completely different way than I expected.

Almost like God is saying: "You have no answers. I provide. Why do you waste your precious time and energy trying to do my job?"

Again, recently, I am facing a crisis of worry. I just completed a completely incredible year in community with other believers-- many of whom are now my closest friends-- learning about God, life, church leadership and the Bible. Essentially, Bible school, but it took place in our church and we don't all go our separate ways when the year is over. It's beautiful! But, having given up time in other areas, mainly the workplace, in order to get the most out of this program that I could, I find myself struggling as I try to get back into working again.

Without boring you about the details of my job, I will just say that at this point, no shifts are guaranteed, and it could be a while before I have a position that gives me regular work (Oh the joys of casual shift work...). It's very trying for me, and on more than one occasion, I have done the less than grown up adult thing to do and simply broken down in tears because I don't know when I will make the money I need for some very real things.

Again. Worrying.

I am now going to seemingly radically change the subject. (But you will see how it all applies :) ) I love birds. I think I could watch them for hours. There are so many colors, shapes, sizes and sounds of them. I watch them and wish I could fly too-- it seems terribly unfair that they get to experience the joy of flying and I don't (at least not without a huge metal contraption full of other people around me). I love artwork with birds-- especially the cute little sketches of them. Robins excite me every year I see them because they are a sure sign of spring, and I have many wonderful memories of my siblings and I watching the progress of a few nests we found on our yard as children.

Why all this talk of birds? Well, I finally chose to ask God the other day why I liked birds so much (because I recently had been drawing a lot of those "cute little sketches" of them in my journal). The words that came to mind are freedom and dependance. Birds symbolize these things to a 'tee.' They experience the freedom of flying, but also have to depend on God for their next meal.

It's funny, but I think that these words "freedom" and "dependance" would be antonyms to the world. To them, freedom = Independence. However, I do not see it this way.

In the last couple days, as I was worrying--again-- God brought to mind my recent musings about birds and dependance. He also reminded me of the beautiful verse in Matthew 6 that reminds one of their extreme value to God in respect to the-- you guessed it-- birds. If God daily provides for the needs of each of the birds I see daily, how much more-- when he sees me as part of his prize of creation (humanity), will he provide for my needs? In the same chapter in Matthew, just verses later (vs. 33) the writer says, "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." If I am seeking God first in my life, he promised to provide my needs. Not my wants, my needs. (How often do we mix these two up?) This is where I find freedom. If a great, all-powerful and loving God promises to provide my needs--meaning, I don't need to provide for myself-- there is great freedom in that!

Of course, trusting that God will provide when all circumstances seem to say otherwise takes much faith. (And I am not suggesting that we don't have a part to play, I have to be faithful in my job and in my ministry to enjoy God's blessing. I am not suggesting we just sit back lazily and wait for everything to come to us). But, when we partner with God in faith, we can relax enough to allow him to provide for our needs. Faith is the "dance" in depen-dance. 

Jesus, I am depending on you. I don't want to dance this faith walk in anyone else's arms but you. Thank you for being a provider. You know my needs more intimately than I do. Amen.