I bit the hand I begged to feed me.

Isaiah 65:24 "Before they call I will answer; while they are yet speaking I will hear."
2 Thessalonians 3:2b-3a "...For not all have faith. But the Lord is faithful."

I might have a "fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants" personality, but when I sign up for or get into something, I like to know what I am getting myself into. Decision making is a painstaking process for me. I research, I pray (sometimes too much, see blog Prayer Overkill), and I ask for a lot of guidance from godly people and friends. Still yet, there have been many occasions where things I willingly entered into, became something very unlike I would have expected. 

It's my pride, you see. I tend to underestimate what's ahead of me and overestimate my capabilities. 

Once in November 2010 I had a particularly bad day. And I mean bad. It included many tears and a series of unfortunate events (including a small car accident). I got home late that night, and after calling a close friend to cry about everything, I laid in bed and asked God why my life "sucked" so much. Immediately I was reminded of just a few days previous that I had been feeling especially bold in my prayers and asked God to "give me trials" cause I "needed to be tested." After groaning and giving my spiritual self a good kick, I chose to remember that prayers to be tested will always be answered. And usually quite promptly.

These are the prayers that we 100% willingly prayed at the time, but the moment we realize how God is choosing to fulfill them, we complain and harbor offense. We bite the same hand we begged to feed us.

I was reading through my journal today and I came across one of these prayers that I prayed months ago. When I first prayed it, I thought myself incredibly wise and fool-proof to ask the Lord for such a thing. Since that time, he has definitely answered. Very clearly. But when the answer came-- when he did the very thing I asked him to do-- I was almost crushed by it. I was greatly angered by this particular answer from God. Though I knew I had asked for it, I couldn't believe that it hadn't gone my way.

Because, let's face it...Almost every time we ask God for something, we think we know exactly what "should be" --or even will be-- done. And each time we do this, we put ourselves in God's place completely without shame or remorse.

And then today I was reminded of something. Who is God that he would have to heed even our smallest requests at all?

It says in Acts 17:24 that God does not live in a temple made of human hands. Yet, we sometimes expect that we deserve to have God enter in to the completely human temples that we have made by our own prayers, take up residence there and attend to our every whim and wish. I'm not saying every prayer is like this or that we even consciously think this way. I have just realized that my attitude towards the way God has answered certain prayers of mine reflects this subconscious attitude. 

Instead...

Do we not serve a generously loving father who delights to pay attention to our smallest heart cries?  Before a word is off our tongue, he already knows how he will answer. Before we can even imagine what he might do with certain prayer requests, he already knows how he will guide us through it. Before we face the disappointment of an answer that didn't look like the answer we assumed we might get, he already has a plan in place to heal that hurt. He is so faithful! The God of all the universe didn't have to tune into your prayer time-- but he did. Furthermore, he didn't have to do anything about what you asked him, but he did.

Given certain events of my past, there are now times that I tread on the side of caution when I approach my Lord in prayer. However, I think I am learning a different, more important, lesson. Vulnerability. Jesus wants to know my heart. And he will be faithful with what he finds there. And he will be good. And he will be sovereign. Despite my lack of faith when I ask for certain things, he will be faithful to do exactly what needs to be done.

"Do you trust Me with this map?"

(Another blog entry of a different sort. Today I felt the need to look back over some old journals from my final year of high school. Not unlike many graduating students, I was overcome with the huge decisions that were directly before me with the ominously and fast approaching graduation ceremony. What you are about to read is something that I strongly sensed God speaking to me on March 10, 2008 -- almost four years ago to the day! Reading it today, I was so incredibly warmed by God's faithfulness to me in the last years since finishing high school. He is so good. And I can assure everyone of you that allowing him to "hold and direct" the road map of my recent years have been worth every moment! Enjoy, I hope you, also, can be reassured by His words to me. Hebrews 13:8 "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.")

Daughter,

I want to take you on the adventure of your life.
I want to take you down roads and highways you've never traveled.

You are just starting your life. Though eighteen years may see/feel like a long time, haha, just wait for the next seventy. :)

You are somewhat new to this whole thing--taking Me seriously, that is. You've just barely made it off the driveway of your journey -- oh, did I forget to mention? I need to drive the car you are going in. So, if you are in the driver's seat at this moment, get out. Move to the passenger side. If you insist on driving, all I can promise is my love and you will have to do without my wisdom or direction. If you are sitting in the passenger seat already, good! Sit back, and enjoy the ride.

This is a long journey if  you have not already figured that out. We will go through many types of weather and scenery. When it's pouring rain or blowing snow --any kind of storm -- it might be a little hard to see, but you have to remember: I've been doing this "God" thing for a long time. You can trust me to drive you to your destination safely.

The rules in this vehicle are simple. Stay inside the car with me, along with my love and protection, and receive the blessings and joy of spending this intimate trip with me.

I realize, however, that you are human, and though I made you clean, there will be times when you will exit the car and wander off the road for a bit. I need you to know it breaks my heart every time. Especially when you wander over to another car and get in with a different driver instead. Come travel with me!

And yet, Daughter, I forgive you always. I eagerly wait for you to return to me, and when you do, my love for you will not have weakened or lessened.

Right now you may be unsure of where this trip is taking you. No worries! I'm right here beside you and I know exactly how to read the map I hold in my hands. Do you trust me with this map? This road-trip? Because, if you do, you will soon be able to read the map too.

All my love,
Abba.