Control freak.

Psalm 84:3 "Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young, at your altars, O Lord of hosts, my King and my God." 

There is something unnerving about a lack of control.

People like to toss around the term "control-freak." The definition I just discovered on the web says a control freak is "A person who feels an obsessive need to exercise control and to take command of any situation." We all know a few of these people in our lives. Perhaps it is a boss, or parent, or teacher, maybe even a friend. Maybe it's even yourself. 

But really. Who doesn't want control over their own circumstances and life? 

I take my own life into my hands everyday. I decide how my day will be spent, and who I will spend it with. I decide what I will wear, what I will eat, and even sometimes, who I will feed. I decide who I want to be friends with on Facebook, what music I want to listen to and where I will drive. I decide which emails I will reply to, which events I want to attend and whether I feel like playing with my dog or not. 

And then there are those things you can't control--things that would maybe be nice to have some control over...like who your family is-- or how they live their lives. I can't control the weather. I can't control how that other person views or feels about me. I can't control whether the college I would like to go to is closed for applications or not. I can't even control the fact that Christmas is very quickly approaching (though I should probably take some control over my Christmas shopping...:P). It's things like these, that prove myself, somewhere deep down, on a scale that might be very small but still there, nonetheless, a control freak.

Maybe, the true definition of "control freak" is someone who is uncomfortable with surrender; a person who has a hard time trusting.

 The biggest reoccurring theme in my walk with Christ is, hands down, "surrender." It's the first thing I had to face when I truly gave my life to Christ at 13. It's the thing I have had to deal with in every major decision in my life to this point. It is the thing that God is constantly prodding me to do. And while the process of surrender gets easier, it gets infinitely harder as God asks me to surrender bigger and bigger areas of my life-- areas that are intimately near and dear to my very human heart. Surrender is kind of terrifying, to be honest--what will God do with it when I give it to him???

And yet, the Psalmist writes in Psalm 27:6, "...I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy." Wow. That's not the picture of my surrender--more like "sacrifices with weeping and gnashing of teeth."

What is it that could make someone live a life of surrender where they can be truly joyful to give to God the things that matter most? I think part of the answer is in Psalm 84:3-- there is safety in sacrifice.

The gospels speak of Jesus' care for the sparrows. Here in the Psalms, it says that the sparrows can find a safe place amidst the blood, gore and pain of sacrifice. The altar in the temple was not a particularly clean or "nice" place. It was bloody. It was messy. Something the way it feels when we give something close to our hearts over to God. And yet, if a little, insignificant bird can raise her young in safety on the altar, I'll bet that God will take good care of things I give over to him when I leave them on the same altar. Perhaps the shouts of joy in sacrifice spring from a heart that trusts and knows that God actually takes the best care of the things I give to Him. 

When I truly believe that sacrifice, as terrifying as it may "look" to leave my "stuff" on that bloody, scary-looking altar, is safe, suddenly the act of giving my entire life and all the intimate details over to God will become alot more joyful. 

And who doesn't want joy?