Broken vessels.

"For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” Matthew 9:13

Of the many things that I fill my time with, only a couple of those things provide an income. One of my "schedule-fillers" includes a job at a faith-based nursing home in a community near my hometown. In the female locker room, there is a lone recliner for our use on breaks and before and after shifts. Besides this recliner is a shelf with a book titled "God Uses 'Cracked' Pots." (Author unknown to me) This title makes me chuckle when I see it. I really have very little idea about what the book is about, but it does remind me of a truth God revealed to me about a year ago.

I have made the habit of reading over old journals of mine about every half year or so. Would you be very surprised that I write alot and have lots to read through? :P The last week or so has brought me to one of those journal reading times again. I love seeing the clear growth in my life over the past year. I don't really recognize the girl who wrote on my behalf a year ago. It's incredibly encouraging to see the inner workings God has done, even if they are simple things that other people may not recognize or know about-- such as how I recognize and interpret God's voice and words to me, or my maturity in handling situations that affect my heart deeply.

I especially love when I read a spiritual truth I discovered that I had forgotten about. Such was the case with a journal entry I found from August 24, 2010, a month short of a year ago. It was about my ponderings on the verse above, Matthew 9:13b. Here is what I believe God spoke to me:

"I don't want a bunch of vessels who are simply perfect pieces of art, I want cracked, scratched, broken vessels. They're the ones I know I can use. They realize their imperfections but they also realize it makes them more practical. And because of that, they are much more valuable to the Kingdom."

Picture a used clay jar versus a new one. Which one are you going to use for the heavy-duty, everyday chores? Will you use the used, worn, possibly slightly damaged, yet durable one? Or will you use the brilliantly painted, fragile one your grandmother proudly displays in her china hutch? I don't know about you, but I would be quick to use the old one. Not much thought there.

God is in the business of using used people. People who have cracks and stains, bumps and bruises, patched up and torn clothing, black eyes and swollen joints. He delights in the broken. The broken who know their own brokenness and look to him to redeem it.

In the Gospels (Matthew 23:27) God calls the Pharisee's "white washed tombs." Clean, neat, maybe even beautiful on the outside, but full of dead bones on the inside. Isn't that like so many people? Beautiful, put together and seemingly "more useful" people on the outside, but their character is poor and "dead" on the inside. Beautiful pots with little value for anything useful for God's kingdom.

As I blogged in a previous article, I have a problem with vulnerability, at times (though, recently I am learning!). When the cupboard is opened and the "jar" of my life is found sitting there, it is not prettily painted, unscathed or very delightful looking. It's got its fair share of cracks and wear marks. There are things about it that need to be sanded out or patched up. However, it seems God has choose to use it nonetheless. And the funny thing is, the more He uses me, the cracks do not get worse, nor do they disappear, but they are  "re-enforced." Same with the markings, the wear marks begin to look more like art than randomness.

Jesus came to call the sinners. Jesus came to use the broken. Jesus came to make me useful. Without him, I might appear a beautiful china vase, but would be entirely useless and easily broken.

God uses "cracked-pots." God uses broken people. This includes me.

The "Hoarders" edition.

"As long as we have some self-righteous idea that we can carry out our Lord's teaching, God will allow us to continue until we expose our own ignorance by stumbling over some obstacle in our way...The underlying foundation of Jesus Christ's kingdom is poverty, not possessions...The knowledge of our own poverty is what brings us to the proper place where Jesus Christ accomplishes His work." Oswald Chambers.

So, I don't watch alot of TV, but there is one program that I have watched in the past that really stuck out to me. You may have seen it. You may have seen previews or clips and been left cringing with a lingering sense of claustrophobia or horror-- the show I am referring to is "Hoarders." In one show it documents and peeks into the life of a compulsive "hoarder"-- one who has piled and basically boarded themselves into their own house because they are surrounded by so much disarray, stuff, junk, garbage or even material possessions that were purchased and never used. It's compulsive and the show sends people in to sort through their many possessions for them, often throwing things out and even getting psychologists involved (seems it's an actual disorder).

I am not going to lie, it was hard to watch at times. I, as someone who would lean more to the side of throwing out too much, cannot fathom how someone allows themselves to collect so much junk, how someone allows themselves to keep buying and accumulating, yet never using the stuff one has gained. It boggles my mind. When you can't even sleep in your own bed or find the kitchen stove because there is too much stuff in your home, it's safe to say there is a significant problem at hand.

The funny thing about these people who hoard is that they are surrounded by literally piles of material goods around them--many of these things being new or never used. They have many material possessions--more than myself. However, you could never convince me to call a person like that wealthy or rich. Nope. When I see a person surrounded by such mess and chaos, I am overcome with overwhelming sadness for the incredible poverty of heart that surely caused them to start hoarding in the first place. What type of a hole is someone trying to fill when they can't stop accumulating?

I have to wonder, are the spiritual states of our hearts any different at times?

I may only be in the early years of my second decade on this earth, but I have come to accumulate many things in the "home of my heart" in that short amount of time. I have many dreams, desires, hurts, memories--good and bad-- that occupy and take up residence there. Some of these things push me to become a more godly woman and some of these things I full well know are hindering my walk with God.

Chambers in his quote above is adamant that in order to receive anything from God we must come to a realization of our spiritual poverty. As reflecting on this earlier today, I started to realize all the areas of my life that I am entirely dependent on God's goodness. I am entirely at his mercy to provide what I need to function in any of the gifts I may have or to be the type of person that draws and leads others to him. I need God to "clear the hallways and rooms" of my heart in order to even come to a place where I can admit my dependance on him. Otherwise I could look around, see all my "stuff" and think I am quite ok doing things on my own.

This truth became very real to me in the last year when God related it to me this way: I was shown a picture of a little miniature treasure chest--small enough to hold against my heart with both hands. Inside this chest were all the things I hold dearest to me: dreams, aspirations, relationships, family, etc.  God showed me that by keeping the chest locked and firmly clasped in my hands, I was not allowing him to take out things he didn't want there. In fact, by holding so tightly to this thing, I was not even allowing him to upgrade many of the dreams I had close to me. 

We forget that when God takes away, he replaces the thing he took with something far better than we started with. We need to realize that the "stuff" we have may actually be just junk we have allowed to accumulate when God wants to come in, clear the floor and put in some nice new furniture and appliances. :)

Like Chambers writes, perhaps God may let things get to the point where we "stumble over some obstacle in our way" and realize that what we have is a gross counterfeit for the abundant and simple life that God longs and loves to bless his children with.

So, examining my own heart...what have I allowed to sit and clog the hallways of my heart? What am I refusing to see as junk and clutter? What does God want to take away so he can fill it with something better? Where can I acknowledge my poverty so God can fill me with his incredible riches?

More than I could ever ask or imagine.

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:14-21

So, It's been a while since I have written and I have a very good explanation for it. This last week I was helping lead and counsel a leadership development camp for high school students three hours north from the place I call home. While this blog's purpose is not to be a diary or journal, I feel this time I need to give you all a glimpse into the last week I experienced and what God showed me through it. (Plus it will be a chance for all the campers reading this to know what I really thought of the week-- da da dun... Hehe, just kidding!)

There's a word that became very powerful for me over the last week and it's a big reason I am writing about my week-- which many of you probably couldn't care less about-- over the World Wide Web. 

The word is vulnerability. 

Of course, it goes without saying that the things I share here are only a fraction of what went on inside my heart as some of it is simply too personal to share with just anyone and much of it would take more room and time to explain than is necessary to this blog's purpose. My intent is to give you a glimpse into what God is doing in my life and hopefully something from it encourages you.

I was thrown into this past week with very little notice and an even vaguer of what to expect. I was asked to participate by a couple that I did not know well and the people I would be counseling with I either did not know at all or was unsure about how our personalities would work together.

Arriving at camp and meeting as a leadership team (there were six of us: myself, Chris, Becki, Rena, Wayne and Steve) we got together to pray about the week ahead of us. In my own prayer time, God brought to mind the passage at the beginning of the blog. The title in the Bible was "A Prayer for Spiritual Endurance." Oh great...my first thought were that God was preparing me for a spiritually draining and physically exhausting week. Especially when the leaders I was praying with also seemed to agree that we would need perseverance.

What did jump out at me was the part where Paul writes that God will exceed our expectations to the same level that we allow him to work in our hearts. I had no idea just what type of an overhaul I was about to get in my inner person.

I am always amazed at the genuine love God gives to me in situations where I am to lead people I really have zero idea who they are or where they have come from. The kids we were working with this week (if one could even call them kids...they were all incredibly mature high school students) were an incredible delight to me. I definitely left the week feeling that I had left behind part of my family-- these young men and women became my little brothers and sisters in Christ in such a tangible way.

As I watched and observed them work through difficult tasks and team building exercises, their strengths and the incredible way in which they approached their tasks highlighted to me my own faults and areas that I needed to grow in. More than once I found myself thinking (and saying to the other leaders): "I am so glad I am not the one to be doing this." Now I realize that this was the beginning of God preparing the soil of my heart for growth as well!

As the team grew in unity (both within the leadership and the teens), I found it harder and harder to put up a bold front of perfection. 

I hate letting people see my weakness.

Each time I would say something I shouldn't, or each time my exhaustion peeked through in a sarcastic or unnecessary comment, I became increasingly aware of the fact that my stubbornness and independence were becoming a barrier to engaging wholeheartedly in my week's ministry.

So, through His Sovereignty and a series of events that are better left unsaid, God brought me to a place that I had to be completely and 100% vulnerable in a way that I was hoping would not happen. But when the strong facade was gone, what was left was a humbled, more free and more vulnerable Jennifer. I did not even realize the what God had done until I got home and saw these things begin to play themselves out in "real life."

Already before this point, God was doing things that blew me away with his goodness. After I opened up and allowed him to be the strong one and admit my weakness and inadequacy, I saw even more amazing things take place-- both in my heart and within the group. At one point one of the campers said that the group of students seemed to mirror what was going on in our small leadership team of six people. I told them, "Leadership lesson-- it all trickles down." Hah, if I would have learned that sooner (or applied what I knew), I can't help but wonder what I have kept other people I have led from just because I did not also open my heart to God's working hand?

"...Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen."

Vulnerability. A key to leadership and my key to seeing God's incredible hand this last week. Jesus, continue to work in me so I may see you work in others.