I bit the hand I begged to feed me.

Isaiah 65:24 "Before they call I will answer; while they are yet speaking I will hear."
2 Thessalonians 3:2b-3a "...For not all have faith. But the Lord is faithful."

I might have a "fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants" personality, but when I sign up for or get into something, I like to know what I am getting myself into. Decision making is a painstaking process for me. I research, I pray (sometimes too much, see blog Prayer Overkill), and I ask for a lot of guidance from godly people and friends. Still yet, there have been many occasions where things I willingly entered into, became something very unlike I would have expected. 

It's my pride, you see. I tend to underestimate what's ahead of me and overestimate my capabilities. 

Once in November 2010 I had a particularly bad day. And I mean bad. It included many tears and a series of unfortunate events (including a small car accident). I got home late that night, and after calling a close friend to cry about everything, I laid in bed and asked God why my life "sucked" so much. Immediately I was reminded of just a few days previous that I had been feeling especially bold in my prayers and asked God to "give me trials" cause I "needed to be tested." After groaning and giving my spiritual self a good kick, I chose to remember that prayers to be tested will always be answered. And usually quite promptly.

These are the prayers that we 100% willingly prayed at the time, but the moment we realize how God is choosing to fulfill them, we complain and harbor offense. We bite the same hand we begged to feed us.

I was reading through my journal today and I came across one of these prayers that I prayed months ago. When I first prayed it, I thought myself incredibly wise and fool-proof to ask the Lord for such a thing. Since that time, he has definitely answered. Very clearly. But when the answer came-- when he did the very thing I asked him to do-- I was almost crushed by it. I was greatly angered by this particular answer from God. Though I knew I had asked for it, I couldn't believe that it hadn't gone my way.

Because, let's face it...Almost every time we ask God for something, we think we know exactly what "should be" --or even will be-- done. And each time we do this, we put ourselves in God's place completely without shame or remorse.

And then today I was reminded of something. Who is God that he would have to heed even our smallest requests at all?

It says in Acts 17:24 that God does not live in a temple made of human hands. Yet, we sometimes expect that we deserve to have God enter in to the completely human temples that we have made by our own prayers, take up residence there and attend to our every whim and wish. I'm not saying every prayer is like this or that we even consciously think this way. I have just realized that my attitude towards the way God has answered certain prayers of mine reflects this subconscious attitude. 

Instead...

Do we not serve a generously loving father who delights to pay attention to our smallest heart cries?  Before a word is off our tongue, he already knows how he will answer. Before we can even imagine what he might do with certain prayer requests, he already knows how he will guide us through it. Before we face the disappointment of an answer that didn't look like the answer we assumed we might get, he already has a plan in place to heal that hurt. He is so faithful! The God of all the universe didn't have to tune into your prayer time-- but he did. Furthermore, he didn't have to do anything about what you asked him, but he did.

Given certain events of my past, there are now times that I tread on the side of caution when I approach my Lord in prayer. However, I think I am learning a different, more important, lesson. Vulnerability. Jesus wants to know my heart. And he will be faithful with what he finds there. And he will be good. And he will be sovereign. Despite my lack of faith when I ask for certain things, he will be faithful to do exactly what needs to be done.