An allegorical story: The Woman in White

A woman dressed in white sits patiently upon a solitary chair in the foyer of an empty house. Her face is aglow and a smile graces her lovely features. She is the epitome of radiance and one looking at her cannot help but wonder what she is smiling about.

Every so often she glances at the clock, set within the expanse of a white wall-- she appears to be waiting for something. She looks down at her lap. Encircling her ring finger on her left hand sit’s a glorious diamond, gleaming and casting small reflections of light against the wall. She is engaged, promised to a life-long marriage, and if the smile on her face indicates anything, he must be a special man.

Time continues to pass and gradually, the woman appears to be getting more and more anxious. Slowly, the smile takes up less room on her face and she is playing with the solitaire on her hand. The reason for her impatience is that she is waiting for the arrival of her beloved. He promised he would come get her one day soon and they would live together forever in perfect love. Still, she is still waiting because he has not yet arrived.

The bride-to-be stands up from her chair and begins to pace-- slowly at first, then with increasing irritation in her footfall. Her steps bring her to the window where she stares out to the street, hoping she might see her groom-to-be making his way to get her. There is no sign or him.

The woman in white considers going back to her chair and sitting. He had promised he would come, why should she doubt? Yet, impatience getting the better of her, she continues to look out onto the street, hoping and praying her lover would soon round the corner.

Minutes pass and still there is no sign of the man she so desperately wants to be with. The woman is about to burst into a fit of tears when, suddenly, she sees a form sauntering down the road towards her house. A joy begins to rise within her chest, but it quickly is smothered when she realizes it is not the one she is waiting for.

However, the figure, who she realizes is a man, continues to her front door and softly knock. It is an inviting knock, baiting her to answer the door. Confusion fills her heart and she wonders what this stranger could want. The knocking continues and the words of her promised come to her memory. Words warning against the danger of answering the door for anyone but him.

Yet, she is lonely and impatient. What harm could there be to simply open the door to see what the visitor wants? He would soon be on his way with no harm done.

So, ignoring the warning that was playing over and over again in her heart, the woman goes to the door and sets a delicate hand on the knob. She opens the door, just a couple inches at first, then wider to set her eyes upon the visitor outside.

A handsome man stands on the front steps. He is darkly attractive-- though not at all the same type of attractiveness that her lover carried. His is a more sinister allure, not the purity or perfection she should be back on her chair waiting for.

The stranger smiles smoothly, asking to be let in. The warning in her heart is beating more intensely than ever now and she instinctively knows the man should be left outside in the night. Despite this though, she opens her door wider and steps aside as she allows him in. What harm could come from innocent conversation while she waited?
She should have known there would be harm.

The stranger’s charm, good looks, smooth words and seemingly good intent are soon the undoing of her as she allows the “short visit” to rob her of all purity she had been saving for the one who was coming to get her. And as the man leaves, she lies on the floor, tears streaming down makeup-stained cheeks onto a soiled dress that was no longer white. Her radiance left her the moment she allowed herself to open the front door.

She knew better. She should have never let the man in. The woman wanted to blame her condition on the one who, in her mind, should have been there hours ago. Yet, she knew all the blame laid with her. Only she is responsible for allowing herself to be in her state, a crumpled sight in soiled white, laying on the floor next to the chair she should have stayed sitting in.

The time begins to blur as she lays weak and distressed--- so much so, that she doesn’t notice when the front door opens once again and in He walks. The one who should have been there to prevent her shame.

As she opens her eyes, she finds herself staring into the face of her beloved. Embarrassment envelopes her being as she sees intense hurt, betrayal and pain flash across his face as he realizes what has happened. The woman turns her face away and braces herself for what surely will be accusations from the mouth of her hurt lover.

She braces herself for nothing, though, for while her face is turned and she wallows in her great humiliation, she misses the incredible change of His facial expressions. She misses the insurmountable love, compassion, and total acceptance that comes over his features as does a veil. She barely notices as the man picks up and holds her tightly.

As he does, something incredible happens. While dwelling in his arms, while absorbing his unconditional loving kindness, she is physically transformed. Suddenly, her dress is once again white and her body is whole and well. The love of her husband-to-be has completely renewed her and as she comes to, her mind is wiped clean of all previous memories.
She is everything a bride should be once again.

She is helped to her feet, all the while her eyes consumed by the face of her lover. Then, in complete love and appreciation for each other, they walk hand-in-hand towards the door and towards a new future. As the door is opened for the final time, they are greeted by the light of a brand new day.

"I just wanna be a sheep..."

"Know that the Lord, He is God! It is He who made us, and we are His people, and the sheep of His pasture." Psalm 100:3

There was a song I used to sing in Sunday School once upon a time:

"I just wanna be a sheep, baa, baa, I just wanna be a sheep, baa baa baa baa..."

I know. I, just as you in this moment, am silently thanking God that I no longer have to sing songs where I have to recreate farm animal noises when I go to Church. However, in all seriousness, this song actually conveys (in very childish form) a fairly significant spiritual truth. "We are His people, and the sheep of his pasture..." 

'Tis a shame that sheep are so stupid.

I will readily admit that I have a few literary "crushes" on great men of the faith who wrote very eloquent, touching, provoking, and at times, convicting, words to followers of Christ that I thoroughly enjoy and learn from today. Some of these men include, C.S. Lewis, A.W. Tozer and Oswald Chambers. Mr. Chambers has a devotional book entitled, My Outmost for His Highest. I have been working through it for the past year and so often, it puts into words things that I am already processing in my mind. The other day was one of those times. Chambers writes:

We have the idea that we ought to shield ourselves from some of the things God brings around us. May it never be! It is God who engineers our circumstances, and whatever they may be we must see that we face them while continually abiding with Him...

I think, perhaps, I have mentioned this in a previous post, but I have a pastor who used the term "tortured soul" to refer to someone who was always stressing about "whether they were in God's will or not"-- in this case, namely, myself. I will attest to the fact that I often wonder if my life is lining up with God's plan for me, or if I have strayed far off the path--like a stupid sheep. It's my tendency to look around myself at difficult, uncomfortable or unfamiliar circumstances and make the  immediate assumption that "something must be wrong because this doesn't feel right."

I am much too reliant on my feelings.

Do I have such a small view of God that I can't seem to believe that perhaps of this strange or difficult or uncomfortable circumstances around me could actually be this He led me into for the very purpose that I would learn something I could not otherwise?

If I am truly a "sheep" in Jesus' pasture, and if Jesus is truly the Good Shepherd (John 10:11), does this not mean that He is leading me from pasture to pasture (Psalm 23)? Perhaps, the pasture you or I are in looks different or strange or uncomfortable when, in reality, the water supply is more abundant or cleaner and the grass is not as used up as it was in yesterday's pasture. The sheep don't understand the Shepherd's reasoning for the pasture change, nor do they need to. Their job is to follow His leading.

There is something the Shepherd wants for me to get out of being here in this particular spot. If I am trusting God to engineer my circumstances, I need to trust Him and stopping kicking and fighting when He does.

And what about our tendency as "sheep" to wander while we "graze"? As sovereign-ly as God leads our lives (and I need to learn to trust that He is Sovereign), when we follow our natural instincts, desires and hungers--even good ones--we can stray away quite easily just as simply as a sheep who gets distracted from the flock and shepherd cause he was following a patch of grass that led him away. And yet, I need to realize that if I truly am submitted and desiring to do God's will, He, as the Good Shepherd, will not let me wander very far before He calls me back or goes out to physically carry me back (Luke 15).

So, about all these strange life circumstances I am in--which may be good, but new and uncomfortable--am I going to trust that Jesus led me here for a reason? Will I refuse to skip the character growth that I am supposed to learn in this chapter of my life? Will I choose to abide with the Good Shepherd right here in this strange, yet good, pasture until he chooses to lead me somewhere else?

Between a rock and a hard place.

Psalm 81:16 "But he would feed you with the finest of the wheat, and with honey from the rock I would satisfy you."

"Between a rock and a hard place."
A cliche to describe a difficult situation in which, any decision one makes brings along with it some sort of discomfort or struggle. 

I would just call it a desert. A season, where, with every step, barrenness, solitude, and that awful dry feeling in your eyes and mouth seems to never end. Whether it's a literal desert or one of the heart and mind it leaves that same dry feeling. And sometimes, these deserts are surrounded by high, immovable, walls of rock.

Caught right between a rock and a hard place.
 
Not too long ago I had an interesting conversation. It was with a dear friend of mine and somehow the topic of difficult life seasons came up. She told me that she had decided that the best year of her life, to date, is also that same year of her life that we have discussed on many occasions as her most difficult year yet. As we talked, I also began to realize that when I look back over my (yes, granted, relatively short) life, the times I was in the most emotional agony and frustration with God where also some of the best times when I remember the intense honesty of my prayers and the very clear ways that God came and spoke to me.

There are times when I feel completely smothered and claustrophobic because of life. These decisions needed to be made yesterday already, that relationship needs reconciliation, this job or schooling is stressing me out, that ministry is in desperate need of God to intervene, this person needs a relationship with Jesus, that person is driving you crazy...and on and on and on. (It's especially fun when all these things are taking place at once). When I begin to feel that everything in my life has built it's own little fortress around me and I can't even live, eat or sleep without my mind being in a constant state of processing--that's a rock and a hard place. Perhaps we should call it a life "cave."

The interesting thing is about caves, is that they provide the best atmosphere for echos. Sound travels and bounces exceedingly well off the hard surface of stone. I was in a cave once (listening to a monastic choir in France, in fact) and the acoustics were incredible. Though just a few men sang, it sounded like a full church choir!
 
Could this be part of the reason why God often speaks so clearly to us in these spaces?

But remember, caves also cause echos. If all I am doing is constantly, constantly thinking and worrying and talking about my problems and concerns and heartaches all the time, I will never get the chance to "hear" about anything else. It's all going to keep bouncing off the walls of my "cave" and all I will hear is the endless echo of my thoughts and my feelings.

Until I finally shut up.

When I shut up and stand still, even though all around me is rock and granite that I cannot seem to penetrate and I am stiff from being boxed in by my uncertainties and questions, that is when God's voice can finally break into my thoughts, my frustrations, my fears and everything else. Finally, God's voice can be the one to resonate against the cold, stiff walls on either side. Somehow, despite my frustration and pain, his voice is the clearest I have ever heard it. 

I find it interesting that the verse in Psalm 81:16 says "honey from the rock." Honey doesn't come from rocks. We all know this. But could it be saying that Jesus wants to make something sweet from our hard place?

God once gave me a picture about a person who had many walls built all around them. These may have been walls placed there by life circumstances or their own choices, it doesn't really matter. But what God showed me next was powerful. In the picture, He caused the walls to come tumbling down, quite literally crushing the person inside. Graphic though this may be, he spoke to me powerfully: "Sometimes I need to completely break a person to be able to piece them back together again." It is sweet to be gently remade by Jesus. He is the Potter, we are the clay (Jeremiah 18:6).

Between a rock and a hard place, but oh so sweet when God has His way. How is God going to use the walls around you? Will he need to break you? Or will you stop to listen first?

To become a steady "i."

James 1:14 "And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

Those who have spent anytime of substantial time with me know I have a fascination with personality types. I like to watch people and guess their personality-- even complete strangers, which could place me into the category of either "creepy" or just plain observant. The personality test I am most familiar with is the DISC test. The letters represent the 4 main personalities as follows:

Dominance

Influence

Steadiness

Conscientiousness 

"What's your personality?" you may be asking me. Well, let me tell you. I am an I (influence) D (dominance). This means I am generally loud and outgoing, I love to talk in large groups, I am direct and sometimes say things too bluntly, I like accomplishing tasks and being in charge. (As you can see, there are some areas here that could very easily get me into trouble...especially the talking all the time and being in charge/control part...)

Perhaps the biggest woe of my personality type is that I am incredibly emotional (This would be the "I" in me). My heart gets thrown into everything. I jump into things with both feet--often too quickly. Combine this with my love for talking and you will see me in the midst of some pretty heated discussions fairly regularly. I tend to feel first and think later. I wouldn't be quick to call myself a steady individual.

I ended my August with two weeks at my church summer camp. The last week was a week for students just entering and just graduating from high school. I had never staffed at this particular week before, but I had heard rumors of it's tendency to be incredibly impacting and powerful. Going in, I was expecting huge emotional and spiritual highs for the campers-- even myself. However, I believe God has a revealed a new truth to me this summer, because camp took me by surprise. I didn't experience the incredible "high" of experiencing him in a chapel where everyone is weeping and on their knees in repentance. Neither did I feel that I learned something completely new about his character-- and yet, the whole week I felt a peace and steadiness that I had not felt in a long time. While I could be frustrated and say that I didn't meet God or learn from Him because I didn't get an emotional "high," that would be false, because I think God was showing me something else:

Spiritual maturity reveals itself in steadfastness.

The definition of steadfast:

steadfast, stedfast [ˈstɛdfəst -ˌfɑːst]adj

1. (esp of a person's gaze) fixed in intensity or direction; steady

2. unwavering or determined in purpose, loyalty, etc

Steadiness is probably one of the character traits that I most admire in people I know.I desire strongly to grow in it myself. While their intensity and focus is fixed, mine tends to change quite rapidly and without notice.

Now, there is something to be said for personalities and our differences within that. They are actually good! I am learning that my personality is exactly what God intended it to be (though we all need to learn maturity within our character traits). God wants passionate and zealous individuals just as much as he wants steady and level-headed people to balance them out. However, what I am beginning to learn here is that my spiritual walk should not necessarily mirror the same thing.

James 1:4 calls us to steadfastness. It's this steadiness that brings us to maturity "not lacking anything..." I want my gaze to be continually fixed upon Jesus. I want my goal to be to constantly build his kingdom. I don't want to go from spiritual high point to high point, but from new small truth to new small truth. I want the graph of my spiritual growth to be a steady climb...not something resembling an electrocardiogram. To be steady I am realizing that my heart and gaze must be set on one thing and one thing only: Jesus Christ-- not my feelings. My loyalty must be to my Savior-- not whether I cried in worship or confession. I cannot base my spiritual health or God's nearness on my emotions of the moment. Instead I must never stop pursuing Jesus. I must steadfastly choose to seek him out in every season--especially the ones where I feel nothing. 

Hello, my name is Jenn and I am often over-emotional. Thank Jesus my heart can become steady in him.