Out of joint.

"For at the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore lift up your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed." Hebrews 12:11-13

I remember, years ago, my younger sister had an injury.

Now, for the life of me, I cannot remember how she managed to do it, or what she was doing when she got the injury, but the outcome was the same -- she had broken her ankle. I remember the complaints about the physiotherapy prescribed, the doctors visits, the infamous garbage bag over her foot and leg when she wanted to shower. Yes, for a young girl not yet quite in her teens, it was an inconvenient and troublesome thing. My dear sister is also quite stubborn (a family trait, I think). All this happened around the same time that she had decided to do the half distance of a cycle-a-thon that a Bible camp we were connected to was running as a fundraiser. My precious father constructed a metal brace for her cast so she could still peddle even in her cast. The dear girl put out an incredible effort. I cannot remember now if she managed to do the whole half distance or not, but her performance for someone with a broken ankle was admirable, regardless.

The delicate thing about this particular handicap, was that the break had occurred right on the growth plate of the bone. The doctors warned that, if it didn't heal properly, there could be a chance that the leg would not grow properly, or she could end up with legs of two different lengths. Now, other than the fact that she considers herself "too short" (which is a lie- she's above average height for both her age and a woman in general), the ankle healed back to normal.

What about when a "break" happens right in the middle of one of our own seasons? When we experience a break in a "personal growth plate"? These breaks are unexpected, unplanned and painful. They seem to occur in the most delicate of places -- those places, that left un-cared for, can cause permanent damage to the growth of our own hearts and minds and spirits.

Isn't it interesting that cleaning and exercising a wounded area is sometimes more painful than the wound itself? I can remember postponing the inevitable alcohol/peroxide swab that would always follow a scrape after playing outside as a child (my mother is a nurse). Oh it burned! Or, in my sisters case, she hated the physiotherapy required to strengthen her damaged ankle. 

We like to forget that not properly caring for a wound or injury can cause much more pain and agony in the long run (like an infected/festering wound or mismatched lengths of leg) than properly dealing with it in the present, however painful it may also be. I have been coming to realize that strength is not pretending a problem doesn't exist, but facing it head on.

Isaiah chapter one was pointed out to me by a friend. She called my attention to the fact that the Israelites were "from the sole of the foot even to the head" covered with "bruises and sores and raw wounds" because they had not allowed God to care for their wounds by pressing them and bandaging them with oil. (Isaiah 1:6) The verse from Hebrews that I started this blog entry with calls the reader to make sure that their lameness isn't "put out of joint" but healed.

How does one do this? Going to Christ and allowing him to minister to our wounds rather than stubbornly trying to fix things on our own or pretending we are stronger is one way. It takes incredible humility to admit weakness and rely on His strength. I am proud by nature, and this is so difficult for me. I like being the strong one. Allowing myself to be weak in the midst of healing is foreign territory for me.

Another way that I don't believe gets enough attention in times of testing: Making sure that our paths are straight. Hebrews 12 says this is the way we make sure we find healing! It's taking an active stance--facing things head on by "lifting up our drooping hands and strengthening our weak knees." It's re-evaluating the road I am currently on and checking to see if there is anything I need to change about the way I am living my current life. It's double-checking with my Savior to see if He is proud of my progress.

Because the truth is, pain, heartbreak, and woundedness can occur at any given moment. Our faith does not protect us from the effects of a sinful world, but instead gives hope within our struggles. Jesus promised we would have trouble in this world, but that trouble does not mean that I can't use it to grow stronger from it. To draw closer to Him in it. To allow him to minister to me in it. To pick myself up off the ground and move forward because of it.

Dear Jesus, I don`t want to stay drooping and weak. I want to move forward. I want you to produce the "fruit of righteousness" in me that will point others to you. If you can use my pain for your good, I give you full permission. You are Good and Sovereign. Amen.

When God writes the ending.

"Come, let us return to the LORD; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up...Let us know; let us press on to know the LORD; his going out is sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers as the spring rains water the earth." Hosea 6:1,3

I am a writer to my core. I feel alive when I can put "ink" to what is going on inside my heart. When I feel overwhelmed, excited, sad, (or any emotion, really) the best way for me to process is to write. Though I may not know how to sort through a given situation in my head right after it happens, it begins to make sense as I see words take shape on a blank page.

I think God must be a writer too. In every sense of the word, he is the writer of all history -- "his-story." One song goes, You journal everyday about my life. It says in Isaiah that our names are engraved on his hands. He inspired men to write the words of God that became what we call the Bible. Our names are written in the Book of Life. God is completely sovereign and all knowing. Somewhere, I believe, he has a book entitled "Jennifer Laurel's Earthly Life."

The thing about stories, even books, is they all have endings.

There are all manner of endings. Good ones. Bad ones. Bittersweet ones. Ones that leave you either with a joyful laugh or a painful lump in your throat. Ones that you forget within minutes of leaving the movie theatre or ones that stay with you long, long after you close the cover of your favorite book.

Seasons of life are like chapters in a book. 

I have come to the realization that it is impossible to judge the book that God is writing about me by judging the cover. Cause I did. And I was wrong. Sometimes the way an Author writes can lead us to believe something which may actually not be the case at all. Though many writers are predictable and write run of the mill stories with run of the mill endings, God, I have decided, is the most unpredictable story writer I have come to know. He is so above every ending I could write about my own life.

It's painful to write a chapter about your life, hand it to God to "edit" and have it handed back to you covered in red pen. Parts you really liked have been scratched out. Wording you thought captured things perfectly has been tweaked and changed to something you would never have thought of, and upon first glace seems to be "not as good" as your original writing.

And as you stare at those marked up pages and puzzle and question and frown, the Editor come from behind his own desk and leans close over your shoulder to explain his decisions and changes. It's the moment when we choose pride and defensiveness or humility. We can choose to pull away or relax in the nearness of the One who knows best. I can fight God for what I thought was a good story-line, or I can allow him to partner in the journey to make something incredibly beautiful-- a best seller that will point the people around me to a Great and Awesome King.

I want my life to point others to Jesus. Funny how imperfect characters and situations can still make up a perfect story. 

Often a story needs to be broken down before it can be pieced together into something that will be publish worthy. Memories of imperfect assignments that caused hours of re-editing agony in high school and college come rushing back. Hosea says he breaks us to put us back together again. Even in temporary pain, we can be assured of eternal comfort.

And the better we know the editor, the easier it is to accept his "literary" direction. And I think, perhaps, our Heavenly Editor allows us to "write" certain things just so he can teach us a lesson through his own "editing" process. In his sovereignty, he redeems it all.

As you may have guessed, I've had a chapter close in my life close recently. And in this moment I feel caught in an awkward limbo between chapters. It's the moment of reflection before turning the page. It can be difficult, not knowing what to expect-- painful even, if you have to close the book for a while and come back to it later because something else is demanding your time and attention. Endings are what you allow God to make them-- is this ending going to push me forward or keep me stuck in the past?

Yet, when God writes the ending, I can know that all is as it should be. And when I gaze upon Perfection, I will finally understand.